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The Legend of Queen Caryn

Updated: Mar 22, 2022

This post contains "colourful" language - reader discretion advised. The people in this story are not intended to be a representation of anyone alive, dead or not yet born.

It was a time of darkness when the dread King Ulser IV and his consort Queen Caryn ruled the lands. Their entitlement knew no bounds. Bolstered by power and privilege they demanded respect, and reverence from all under their evil rule. As their subject wallowed in poverty, discrimination and hardship, King Ulser IV and Queen Caryn luxuriated in wealth and abundance. Alas, however, it was not meant to last. Growing tired of this utter bullshittery, their vassals rose up and stormed the palace gates. The palatial mansion was destroyed and eventually both king and queen found hiding in the royal dungeon.

Dragged to the town square, they were pointed at, poked at and called all manner of dastardly – but befitting – names. Some even fell to throwing shit at them but were quickly refrained as their aim would sometimes be off. As the people lay judgement before their feet, King Ulser IV tried to apologize and ask for understanding, but Queen Caryn turned haughtily and kicked the King in the royal balls with a kick so hard it sent his nuts to his throat and all he could do was double over and whine like the little bitch he was.

Queen Caryn then turned her ghastly gaze to the crown and roared “I want to speak to the manager of this disgusting event! Where is he? Show your cowardly face you cur! I will not be left waiting!” At first the crowd was confused. Were they mistaken? Were they the ones inside a little jail with chains around their neck and feet? Looking at themselves and each other, they quickly realized that indeed they were not - at which point, an uproar of hilarity ensued.

Never the one to be daunted by circumstance or situation, Queen Caryn continued her tirade “I prophesy that if you hurt even strand of my beautifully coiffed hair, I will come back and haunt you and your kin for generations to come. You will feel the extent of my wrath and your family will have to endure the lashing of my tongue! Caryn will roam this land and rule once again you stinky, filthy immigrant fools! We will rule and point out your flaws. We will make you cringe and cower and squirm in unease!” Once again, amid the Milquetoast whining of King Ulser IV, the crowd checked to make sure they were not the ones with the chains and again their laughter rocked the town square.

Now, two hundred years after that prophesy, the words of Queen Caryn ring through the land as her evil, maniacal, selfish, entitled spirit has possessed many women. Carynic lore says that if we ignore them, they will go away but no one has had the intestinal fortitude to just listen to their utter bullshittery and blatant fuckery without coughing up a lung. And so, like the crowd that laughed at Queen Caryn back then, we laugh today as her spirit continues to torture and persecute us.

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